When you go through a traumatic birth welcoming your first babe into the world via an emergency forcep delivery, the fear of birthing again is not something easily pushed aside.
The moment I found out I was pregnant for the second time, I knew I wanted a different birth experience. I needed a different birth experience.
With my first pregnancy, we had looked into home birth, but when I say looked, we really just skimmed the surface as it being an option. I was open to the idea, but Joseph had some reservations (as most first-time dads do) and I knew, ultimately, that if my support system wasn’t comfortable, then I’d be a mess. So we decided on birthing in a hospital, with a midwife and the support of a doula.
Looking back at my first birth, the majority of my birthing complications initially stemmed from my own anxiety, resulting in the Fear-Tension-Pain cycle. If you’re not familiar with the Fear-Tension-Pain cycle, it’s an idea (introduced by Grantly Dick-Read in the 1920s) that fear causes a woman to become tense, and that tension increases pain. The increased pain, in turn, increases fear, and the cycle repeats.
Fast forward to this pregnancy and still dealing with the emotional scars from my Wyatt’s birth, a home birth just felt like a more comfortable option for me. You see, I’m a homebody, and I relax best when I am in my own quiet space and around people I trust and know on a personal level. With a low-risk pregnancy and a great support system (yes, Joseph was totally on board this time around), I chose to birth at home.
Here is my birth story…
July 17thth (my birthday)
I went out for lunch with my friend and as we were leaving the restaurant, I felt…different. I remember thinking to myself, “I might be sharing a birthday with this baby.” That evening, around 11pm, I started having consistent contractions and I tried my best to quiet my mind and rest.
July 18th
After a restless night, I started planning for birth to happen that day and then I stopped, took a deep breath, and I asked Joseph if we could take Wyatt (our two-year-old) outside and just soak in some Vitamin D. The boys played in the yard and I journaled one final letter to our baby. Contractions were at a steady pace of 7-9 minutes apart the entire day. I had a chiropractic adjustment scheduled for that afternoon and decided that since it was only a few minutes down the road, it might help to get things going a little more.
After my chiropractic adjustment, I did some funny stair-stepping lunge things (per my chiropractor’s recommendation) and then took a nap. I woke up around dinner time and my midwife advised me to carb load because I was going to need the energy. I thought for sure baby would arrive in the middle of the night, so I went to bed early.
July 19th (two days after my own birthday)
I can’t say I really slept, but I did rest in-between contractions until 1:00am when I could no longer lie down during them and had to get up and move around. I walked back and forth between our closet and the bathroom numerous times trying not to wake Joseph. I figured if baby didn’t come, at least one of us could have energy to take care of our toddler that day. I ended up waking him at 5:30am and I called the midwives at 5:45 when contractions were about 4-6 minutes apart. Our midwifery team arrived by 7:00am and by then, my contractions were 1-3 minutes apart. I’m really glad I called when I did!
Wyatt of course was up early that day because I’m sure he sensed something, so the sitter we had lined up to watch him arrived around 7:30am. He was in and out of our room, checking on what we were up to and playing with her in his room and then outside for a little bit. He seemed pretty clueless as to what was going on.
I lost all track of time shortly after the midwives arrived and worked through my contractions while listening to my Hypnobabies soundtracks (guided meditation tracks that help with fear and pain management). The yoga ball felt the best, so I spent a lot of time swaying on that.
By this time, contractions were happening faster (lots of double peaks), becoming more intense, and getting harder to focus through. My midwife suggests they start filling up the pool so it’s ready and cooled down enough by the time I need to get in. Joseph goes outside to get Wyatt because we had promised him that he could “help” when it was time to fill up the pool. He was SO excited! While they started filling up the pool in our room, Wyatt’s sitter (who is obviously a close friend of mine) just quietly stood in our room making small talk with me and the midwives. We talked about how exciting it was to both be pregnant at the same time, etc etc.
Next thing I know, as I’m working through a contraction (standing and leaning over the bed by this point, I think) I look over to say something to my friend as I come out of the contraction. All of a sudden, she completely loses her balance and passes out right on our bedroom floor! The midwives immediately rushed to check on her and she came to pretty quickly. They checked her vitals and made sure she was doing okay and we all convinced her she should probably go get checked out by her midwife and make sure there wasn’t something else going on. Her husband came to pick her up, and suddenly Joseph was now labor coach and toddler wrangler.
When all of that excitement was happening, I lost some focus and my contractions had calmed down a bit, but once the sitter left, contractions intensely picked right back up. It’s amazing to me how much of labor progression really is controlled by the mind!
I started experiencing lots of shaky legs, pressure, and just over all body exhaustion, and my midwife said all signs point to being ready for the pool, if I wanted to get in. It felt SO good to step in and immediately find relief. I was super thankful that it felt even better than I imagined it would be!
I then remember feeling pressure in my bottom and just suddenly feeling very weepy and emotional for no reason. I told my midwife I felt like I was going to cry and she looked at her assistants with “a look” and they both encouraged me to get out of the pool to empty my bladder one last time. This would also allow gravity help me get through those final few moments of transition. I absolutely HATED that last bathroom trip. It was super intense! As I was walking back to the pool, I remember loudly telling everyone, “I am not a fan of this!”
As soon as I got back into the pool, the switch flipped and my body was telling me to bare down in waves. It was such an overwhelming feeling of urgency and pressure! I thought all of my insides were going to explode out of my throat and bum at the same time. I thought for sure I was screaming my head off, but Joseph said the only sounds I really made were these loud horse lip breaths mixed with some deep throat grunts. Wait what? Really?! Oh goodness. Apparently Wyatt thought I was trying to be silly, so he started copying me. What a kid!
I started the pushing stage on my knees with my arms holding onto the sides of the pool. Shortly after, my water broke, I pushed baby’s head partially out, and then all of a sudden I just flipped over into a seated position. I don’t even remember moving into this position so quickly, but I’m glad I listened to my body in that moment.
The next thing I know, everyone is telling me baby’s head is out and I remember thinking, “They’re lying. They’re just saying that to help me keep going!” I reached down to feel and sure enough, there was baby’s super soft hair floating in the water! I knew that with one more push my baby would be out and I was very relieved.
And just like that…Joseph caught our baby and placed HER right on my chest!
When she came out, one of the midwives said, “So handsome!!!”(not because she thought it was a boy, it’s just what came out of her mouth haha) so I thought, “It’s a boy!!!” And then Joseph immediately said, “it really IS a girl!” I remember thinking, “Wait, now it’s a girl? Yay!!!” So even though I felt like I was carrying a girl my entire pregnancy, I was still surprised in the moment and that was such a sweet gift.
During those last few minutes of pushing, I had had a cool washcloth over my forehead/eyes so I was very confused at feeling her on my chest but not being able to see her. Someone obviously took the washcloth off because then I finally looked down at her and cried out, “You’re really here! Happy Birthday!”
Our sweet Willow Grace was born at 10:50am on July 19th, 2018.
From when the midwives arrived, until Willow made her grand entrance, it ended up being 3 hours and 50 minutes total. 45 minutes of that was with me in the pool before about 15-20 minutes of pushing. Amazingly, I was also able to breath her down through the ring of fire (instead of pushing) and did not tear. It was all such a beautiful and intense experience! I’m overjoyed that it went as smoothly as it did, even with all of the extra excitement. I never once felt afraid and being able to hop into the comfort of my own bed minutes after birth was such a great feeling.
My entire pregnancy, I had hoped and prayed pleaded with God that this birth would be a redeeming one and I’m completely overcome with how redeeming it really was. So much healing took place the moment I held Willow in my arms and even now, it’s still helping me put back the pieces I didn’t know had come apart. I’m grateful for such an incredible journey!
Welcome to the world, little Willow! We’re overwhelmed with love and joy that you’ve joined our family <3
Extra special love and thanks to my midwife group for making me feel very supported during pregnancy and for so much beautiful compassion and care during birth. Thank you for being a part of our family’s story!
Midwife Group: Tender Beginnings
Mary Anne Richardson, CPM-TN, EMT, RN (my prenatal midwife)
Rebecca Hightower, CPM-TN, RN (my prenatal and labor/birth midwife)
Maggie Leo, RN (midwife assistant)
Elise Gerard (midwife assistant and the one who grabbed my camera to photograph everything towards the end!)
Jessica Caldwell (midwife assistant)